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To all my loyal followers I apologise for my absense......

I still dont have a cat. (if people were wondering) so still no cat vomit but life has had been good. Not a lot has changed, its been me.

On Friday I travelled down to Katoomba with some ladies from church for Katoomba womens conference - a huge gathering of Christian women from all over. There was about 2000 women at the conference and about 100 where we stayed. I was quite overwhelmed by being with so many people.

I was talking to a friend before going and I really didnt want to go. In my mind was that I just wont fit in with the women, that they are all happily married with nice homes they own *or are paying off* with lovely kids. Oh and they were all lovely Christian women. Me.... well as per the cat vomit story... I have been seeing a lot of negative about me. As a Christian I had a lot of negative thoughts. I really felt like I was a fraud as a christian.

The focus of the weekend was about living life to Gods drum. One of the speakers said something that really sat with me...She was talking about what Christians can do when life gets tough.
1. Beleive but live like those around you. Live to the worlds drum
2. Surround yourselves only with Christians- easy to live to live as a Christian like this
3. Live in the world - but live to Gods drumbeat.
This third option was what they were saying was important.

I have been fitting into the worlds drum. I havent felt like I belonged at Church with church people. I know how lonely I have been. More than that I have been feeling very poor me. I met women on the weekend that had experienced suffering in their lives too and continued to struggle with problems and really big things and continued to trust God and try and live with His aims for thier lives.

One of the speakers Lisa P. was real. Not just academic. She spoke of how she has struggled through with a child with global delay and austism, and had a pregnancy diagnosed with a fatal brain injury. She had the child, and their daughter lived for 50 days. She described a very real reaction.. intrusive thoughts that blamed God that questioned God. But she is persevering. The theme was about how do we think about God when we are exile. Somewhere over the weekend I dont know exactly where or how but somewhere I was touched, my heart.

I do have a huge amount on my plate, but I have been playing the victim in my head... poor me... after all I've been through.

I am not sure really where I am going with this train of thought. Before the weekend, I felt that I HAD to beleive (for Z) but I feel now that I have come back from some kind of self imposed exile. I know I have challenges ahead. I can see many areas in my life where I live according to what the world would think is ok and some of these things are going to be hard to change.

I have started reading the bible each evening. and praying.